Updated: Jun 7
This isn't my usual blog post but as we are in Women's Health Month and Mental Health Awareness Month, it seemed like a good fit.
If you know me well, you know that sex is something I don't shy away from discussing. If this is cringy for you, you should abort now.
Intrigued? Keep going but don't say I didn't warn you.
If you know me well, I actually talk about sex all the time. I'm also a super sexual person. I thank my lucky stars that I found a man equally if not more sexual than I am. If you know me and BV together, you know what I'm talking about. We're gross. We were even more gross when we first got together - couldn't keep our hands off of each other - and I'm happy to say that we are still almost just as into each other 9 years later.
There is something to be said about coming out of a bad marriage, being single again, finding that my V was not broken and that I could actually feel some things working down there again. And then I found my prince charming, who happens to be super hot and sexy, and brings out the best in me. The chemistry is amazing... in fact, it's off the charts.
Oftentimes, we, and others, attribute our passion to second marriage but truth be told, I don't think there needs to be a new marriage to turn the heat back up. Brian and I talk all the time about the things that we truly appreciate in our relationship and what we feel makes it work so well. We also share a lot of what has worked for us with others who have asked. And when it comes to sex, well, let's just say we talk a lot about that with each other too.
After recently listening to a great podcast with Ed Mylett and Emily Morse (aka - Sex with Emily), I felt that sharing some of what I've learned over the years might be beneficial to share with my beloved tribe.
Quick funny story about 'Sex with Emily'...
I met Emily a few years ago at the Womaness Launch Party in the Hamptons. I had no friggin clue who she was. I probably should have looked her up beforehand. She was this stunning little bombshell in a red dress and was one of the speakers at the event. We were talking briefly during the networking portion of the evening and she asked me what I do... so I told her. I also happened to mention that I have a podcast, which is why I was there - Michelle, the co-owner of Womaness had recently been on my podcast. I told Emily that if she ever wanted to be a guest, I would love to have her on. She was beyond sweet about it and just said, 'I love podcasting, DM me on Instagram and we can connect further'. And then she walked away.
I pulled out my phone and looked her up on IG and literally almost fell over. She's got over 500k followers and an insane podcast following as well. I literally couldn't even look at her for the rest of the night although I found myself now girl crushing on her and her badass, humble self. Kudos to her for not making me feel like an idiot.
Fast forward, she's got a new book out and is all over people's podcasts promoting it - hence, her guest appearance on the Ed Mylett Show. It's a good one. What I loved most about this podcast was Ed's complete discomfort in talking about 'all things sex' during the interview. It was actually quite sweet! I can only imagine him sitting there blushing the entire time.
Back to the point of my email... sex!
Considering the women on this list, and some men too, are of all ages and at all different stages of life, I'll keep this as basic as possible.
Other than the inspo from the podcast, I was inspired to focus on this topic today because...
#1 - Wanting sex is all about mindset
#2 - Having sex is all about mindset
#3 - Enjoying sex is all about mindset
Especially for women.
It all happens in our brain... our most important sex organ.
There are a million reasons why people stop having so much sex after the honeymoon phase and after years of marriage and kids. Pause for a minute here and actually think about the reasons why you're not having as much sex now as you used to. Been there! Here are some of the top reasons why sex falls off the priority list, in no particular order:
Stress - when we are out of the courting/dating stage, real life and all the stress that comes along with it kicks in.
Emotional disconnect - lots to talk about here and could do an entire podcast on this but to keep it short, let's just say, when your partner does things that upset you and you have unresovled conflicts that continue over time, you become resentful, spiteful and eventually disconnected. This is one of the biggest killers of intimacy and even wanting to have sex with them at all. These unresolved issues are what lead to the distance between you and your person. If you're feeling this resonates with you, the next bullet is where to begin fixing it.
Communication breakdown - this is the #1 in my opinion. You stop communicating about tons of things in your marriage and your life, sex being one of them. Being frustrated with your partner for any of the million reasons, like the mess they make, the way they load the dishwasher, the way they leave the cap off the toothpaste, whatever your gripes are... if you're annoyed at them all the time, the last thing you are going to want to do is to have sex with them. The more you keep these things building up in your brain, the more cluttered with negativity your brain gets. And when it gets too cluttered, you can't see through it in order to begin resolving the issues. This is a big one. This might be where you and your partner need to start. Once you can gently have these conversations with each other, you can start talking about the fun, sexy stuff again. And here's the thing... you once had fun, sexy time with your person. That's where it began. I'm sure there were other things but there's no way you married or committed to someone that you weren't attracted to. You can get back to that... you just have to find that desire and intimacy again.
Here's the thing... intimacy and connection are what keep you intimate and connected.
As I mentioned above, mindset is one of the biggest reasons, right up there with lack of communication, which kind of comes back to mindset! It's a cycle. It can be a positive cycle or a negative cycle - you get to make that choice.
As Emily says, communication is lubrication.
Communication, which she also talks a lot about in the podcast and has a dedicated chapter in her new book, is HUGE! Couples don't talk about sex nearly enough. Women especially! We don't talk about wanting it, not wanting it, why we don't want it, we rarely ask for it, we don't tell our partner what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what fantasies we have, or ask what fantasies they have.
But, what if you did?
Emily offers some great ways to start up the conversation with your partner so it's not scary, embarrassing or awkward. One idea is to listen to the podcast mentioned above and then recommend it to your partner to listen to as well. Or listen in the car when the kids aren't around. You could say something like... "Hey honey, I listened to this podcast today about sex and it was really good. If you have time, have a listen to it as well. I think it would be fun to talk about some of the things they mention on the podcast." OR, 'I read an awesome blog post today about sex and communication and I think we should talk about sex more'.
Let's be real... if he thinks listening to a podcast is going to get him some action, he'll listen. Amiright? Men are just wired differently. It doesn't take much - no offense. But for us women... it's a whole other ballgame.
Sex, feeling sexy, getting turned on doesn't happen at first base. Men have to get us off the bench and wanting to even pick up the bat before we get to first. And that takes getting into our brains and us getting out of your brains.
We, and our brains, so overwhelmed these days with too much stimulation. And then there are our ever-so-busy lives. The last thing on our minds after a long day of kids, work, cooking, laundry, stress, more kid stuff, house stuff, all the stuffs... is sex. And then we he comes home and seems to want some... ugh, it's just icing on the cake.
So what can you do to get the day out of your head and get your head into the mood.
Here are a few tips to flip your mindset to wanting it, having it and really enjoying it.
Open the lines of communication with your partner, as I mentioned above.
Take an eraser and wipe away all the things that have been annoying you lately - you can come back to them later if you want but I'm going to throw this crazy idea out there and hoping you might try it and let me know how it goes. It could take you months or years to unpack and the annoyance you've been harboring but I'm throwing caution to the wind her and recommending that you start communicating about sex before you start communicating about all the other crap. Here's why.... those conversations are going to lead you down a road of memories that are negative. They may end up with a positive outcome but.... if you start with sex, it's going to bring you to a much more fun and exciting place.
Starting this discussion is probably one of the hardest things to do so if you need a few drinks to get yourself ready, do whatever you need to do. Before you do anything, I highly recommend listening to the podcast to get some ideas on how to broach this with your partner. Emily's book, Smart Sex, isn't out yet or I'd tell you to grab a copy. (You can preorder on amazing - due out June 13th) In the meantime, you can binge her podcast and her Instagram @ Sex with Emily. Here's are a few things she mentioned in her talk with Ed:
Start thinking about it. Think about the good times, your favorite time and what made it your favorite. Maybe even talk about it with your partner and ask them what their favorite was. B and I do this often - in person, over coffee, over text, in bed. The more you think about sex and talk about the good sex, the more it gets your juices flowing and gets you in the mood.
Figure out what you enjoy and let your partner know. Also, ask them what they enjoy most.
Make it fun! One woman told Emily that her favorite sex toy is a wig! LOL. Whatever works.
Mix it up! If you go on vacation and have lots of sex, try to bring some of those fun vacation moments back home with you. We have a scent that reminds us of our favorite vacation spot and I love spraying it in the bathroom... it just reminds me of sex... which then leads to... you guessed it... sex.
Get OUT OF YOUR HEAD! Seriously, just try and get the bad stuff out of your head so you can let the good stuff in.
Starting with sex instead of the 'small stuff' might then make it easier to talk about the small stuff. Just don't talk about the small stuff in bed, before or after sex.
I don't want to sound unempathetic or make light of what your personal situation might be. Maybe you're at the point where it's not such small stuff that's been eating away at your relationship. If it's bigger than that, maybe get some real help... from a sex therapist. :-) Which clearly, I am not. I'm basically saying, fuck all the other things and just have sex. A therapist may tell you I'm an idiot. Maybe I am but I'm an idiot who has a great sex life because, after massive fuckups in both of our lives, we learned some seriously hard lessons. #1 is that we don't let all the other shit build up. We talk about it, with empathy, with love, and we work daily to serve each other, to do things that make each other's lives easier. We don't point fingers. We don't nitpick. We kiss each other every time we leave and every time we come back. We hug and kiss, a lot, which drives our kids nuts. We've found these things to work for us. And they can hopefully work for you too.
One last thing... Some of you reading this might be at a stage in life where it just doesn't feel great anymore. Sex, that is. Going through changes causes some things to happen down there that are just Mother Natures' messed up way of telling us we have let our reproductive years. I recently had this conversation with a good friend who was complaining about pain and dryness. I recommended a product to her that changed her life... and her sex life. It's called Awaken Arousal Oil from Foria Wellness and it is amazing. I like the one with CBD but there is one without CBD as well. I've also tried the Intimacy melts - funny, inappropriate story with those that I will not share here but if you happen to catch me in person, I'd be happy to share. I was introduced to Foria a few months ago at a WonderWoman dinner and have not had a night of sex without it. It's that good. Here's why... the instructions tell you to put it on in advance, which means, you're already thinking and getting into your head about the idea that you're going to have sex. And as I mentioned above, that's where we women need it to begin. Then there's the smell of Foria - which I happen to really like. And after using it so much, the smell brings me to a sexy place. That's how our brains work. Smells have the power to do that. And then there's the physical touch of applying it. Which also gets you going. You can also have your partner do it and extend your foreplay a bit till it kicks in... if you have time for that.
So there it is. Here's the LINK to get some Foria! Thank me later.
PS - Emily's known for her love of lube. She HIGHLY recommends it and has 8 pages of options on her online store. I happen to really like Good Clean Love Almost Naked lube. You can find it HERE.
Check out this snippet from the Womaness Event where I met Emily.
If you like this topic and want me to write more on the subject, leave a comment below or email me. Just Curious.